1. Red like My Beating Heart
I wasn’t dreaming, I was just writing with my eyes closed
& in the black of my skull I envisioned we wore skin like clothes
So when I said okay, I love you
& you took off all my clothes
I was a meat body standing in a line with other
meat bodies
Red gut thumbs with nothing in over under they all leaned over to get a good look at me
& red is all the same and they /or you asked me, “Isn’t this what you wanted? To be like everyone else?”
And I said no
I said no, I just wanted to be loved how I was
I said I miss my skin
And then I realized maybe to be loved is to belong & now that I’m no longer longing
I can be
I am nothing
I love you, no skin
I love your nothing
So we sat as red gut thumbs leaning forward on
the pillow seat
Back and forth we swayed
Giggled
Transmuted
My body blending into yours
& then we were two red strings sitting, leaning over
& then I was a girl and my white blade bones readjusted beneath my skin
& black wings, I shook with vigor
And I flew like a bird wrapped around by a green snake with a fire dragon face
& I heard my voice calling out to me
You’re not sleeping
My silent daughter
You’re terrified
I wasn’t dreaming, I was just writing with my eyes closed
& in the black of my skull I envisioned we wore skin like clothes
So when I said okay, I love you
& you took off all my clothes
I was a meat body standing in a line with other
meat bodies
Red gut thumbs with nothing in over under they all leaned over to get a good look at me
& red is all the same and they /or you asked me, “Isn’t this what you wanted? To be like everyone else?”
And I said no
I said no, I just wanted to be loved how I was
I said I miss my skin
And then I realized maybe to be loved is to belong & now that I’m no longer longing
I can be
I am nothing
I love you, no skin
I love your nothing
So we sat as red gut thumbs leaning forward on
the pillow seat
Back and forth we swayed
Giggled
Transmuted
My body blending into yours
& then we were two red strings sitting, leaning over
& then I was a girl and my white blade bones readjusted beneath my skin
& black wings, I shook with vigor
And I flew like a bird wrapped around by a green snake with a fire dragon face
& I heard my voice calling out to me
You’re not sleeping
My silent daughter
You’re terrified
2. I Died In That Motel Room
And Came Back To Life In
The Garden Where The
Earth Held Out His Hand
To Me And All I Wanted To
Say Was Thank You And I
Am So Very Sorry
I Didn’t Mean To Make A
God Out Of You
I Want To Hate You
Because
If I Think I Love You I Feel
Like Crying
Because
I Am In Love With
Someone Who Is Not
Even Real
3. Sleepwear consists of Big T-Shirt and Granny Panties
I find simplicity, closed skin forms & silence suffocating
I think there is love in color & vibrance like there is beauty in horror & when we throw
everything all over the place
Intricate details I found hiding in the mess
Towers & towers of newspaper (stacks)
Paper mache walls. Made of concrete, I planted seeds and grew flowers in the cracks of the long-abandoned house
This is my house
Twenty(-three) (sea-)foam mattresses
I can & often learn I am better softer,
but my mouth is not tucked into my head
& I am not a doll born stiff with two small curls at the ends of my lips
I call it horror so it seeks me out at night
Nightmare
Brown box delivery, that’s a package of a copy they made into my empty head
My neck is a screw & your hand is a wrench
Lamotrigine side effects: I am sane and simple minded, but my hair is falling out
I am neither quiet nor mute nor silent
I am still, and I stand strong with resonance
Talk with too much sway & you won’t hear me
4. &
When I was born I came out dying
But did I cry? Did I open my eyes?
My mother kissed my cheek & my father
left my back stained with rash
I have
dry skin & webbed feet
I grew up with no real need to be wiser
I know everything by my bones
There’s no better or worse /end or
beginning /before or after /life or death
/you or me
and /I am without or
Prone to being misunderstood I taught
myself to understand
Hysterical, I laugh like a maniac
Everything is hilarious the first time
meeting
So my love feels like a dream to you
and everyone else who cannot love me
Body for your mind I’ll give you the mind to
mine
Lover:you say you want to make a baby&
now he has my nose and your mouth
& now I’m a smooth talker
Loser:you fuck me in my head& I make out
like the dead
& now I’m capable of murder